I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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