did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
