you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
