i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
