I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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