I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize