Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
