oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
