Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize