his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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