She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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