I will die if light touches me.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
