I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
