the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
