When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
