Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We just shotgunned beers for America
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
