I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
