we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
