i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Randomize
