her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
