Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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