yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
