When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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