Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
