Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
God gave him joint rollers for hands
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
