One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
