I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
