Plan B is the new Plan A
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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