we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
