I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
