Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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