I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
