we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
