i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You left your phone here
Wait...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
