i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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