I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
