My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize