During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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