Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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