I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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