Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i think my cat just said my name.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
