I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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