My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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