woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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