how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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