3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
