I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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