i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My liver just had a heart attack.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
