I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Send help, water and tortillas.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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