i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
