R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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