Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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