You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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