I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
