So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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