What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
