Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
