two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize