This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
