***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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