I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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