Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
