when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
