I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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