i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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