I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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