when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I stole a fireplace last night.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
