I wish I only lived at night.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
